I get asked a lot on how I stay “fit”, and to be honest this is a topic I have been avoiding since I personally have had a long hard fight with body image and being comfortable and confident in my own skin. It wasn’t until today when I was eavesdropping on my trainer and one of her clients (oops) that I felt I should address the issue that we all struggle with.
This client happened to be a teenage girl probably in high school accompanied by her mother. She was beautiful, but from the red splotches around her eyes I figured she had been crying. She had a picture pulled up on Instagram of a Victoria Secret Model, and was trying to convince her mother and the trainer that she wanted to look just like that. This model was her ideal body image and “goal” she had set up for herself. Let me put this into perspective: this girl looked just like the model. She did not have an ounce of fat anywhere on her body, yet no matter what the trainer or her mom told her on how irrational she was being, and how truly beautiful she already was, this poor girl was blinded by society's perspective on beauty.
We have all been in this girls shoes before. So wrapped up in toxic ways of thinking. You think maybe if I look like this person, or if I hang a picture of this super thin photoshopped model on my fridge I won’t be tempted to eat junk food, then maybe someone will like me, someone will think I am beautiful.
In fact, I was that girl once. And let me be the first to tell you I have many flaws. Most people see me as what they see from my Instagram posts or social media pages, which I will admit I do not look like my pictures on there 98% of the time (ever heard of getting an “insta worthy” pic.. yeah that’s me)… In real life I wear limited make-up, my hair is ALWAYS in a messy bun, and more than likely I am in my Harry Potter bathrobe. I, like anyone else (no matter what perspective you have made out for me from social media), am insecure about my appearance.
This is something I have always struggled with, but have grown SO much within the past couple of years, and will continue to try to improve.
My Story:
Body Image issues started at a young age for me, probably younger than most. I grew up in the world of dance where sadly you are encouraged to be the size of a stick if you want to be successful… literally you are judged on a score sheet based on appearance. I started getting my hair colored in 7th grade; blonder the better was my mindset because I thought it would attract more attention. I started getting spray tans in 8th grade because I believed you had to be tan to be considered attractive. I got colored contacts once because I thought if I had bluer eyes more people would think I was pretty. I’ve had procedures done on my skin in attempt to get rid of acne scarring because, in my mindset, my skin was ugly, and no one beautiful had scars. The list goes on and on and on… and the journey of finding perfection in my appearance created a lot of anxiety and stress issues that continued with me into high school, some of college, and even into today.
Everyone handles stress, depression, and anxiety differently. For example, in high school I lost my best friend to cancer, which started my unhealthy habits toward restrictive eating because I became so depressed I did not have an appetite ever. Then there was my love hate relationship with dance. Dance began to consume my life. I no longer had any sort of social life, or friends, outside of my studios-- also causing the terrible feeling of being left out and excluded. I was in two competitive studios, I started high school varsity dance team, I had a separate ballet studio, went to required conditioning and lifting, and attended private lessons. With all the activity I was doing, and not eating nearly enough due to stress and anxiety, I became extremely thin. I remember getting on the scale once and seeing 97 pounds, and what is even worse is I got upset with myself whenever I weighed more than 105. My parents hired a personal nutritionist as their way of indirectly telling me they were worried for my well-being, but the instant the nutritionist told me I needed to gain 15 pounds I refused to go back. I could tell my parents were worried about me, my doctor, my friends, etc. but no one really ever talked to me directly. To me I was “fine”. I was skinny just like the professional dancers and models, and that is what I wanted... just like the girl at the gym today.
Looking back, I WAS NOT FINE. In my search for perfection I never found happiness. In fact, I would just find more and more things I wanted to change, and not for myself but to make an impression for others. I was so sick--mentally and physically. I was tired all the time. My immune system sucked. My hormones became so irregular. I could swim in my XS compression shorts, I couldn’t run a mile, in fact I would get winded walking to class. If I stood up too long I got light headed. Every time I got a zit I would find myself crying to my parents asking them why none of my friends had acne. I started getting asthma and thyroid issues which greatly affected my dancing. My body was turning against me, sending me so many warning signs, yet I did not listen.
Then came college. WOW is all I have to say about freshman year. I was in an on and off relationship that caused a lot of emotional damage, I had the stress of rushing Greek and trying to impress hundreds of women just to prove I could fit into their house, I missed my parents and felt extremely lonely. I had a personal made up pressure of having to be “pretty enough” to be on a D1 dance team, and then of course having to be “crop top” ready for 61,500 football fans. I was so insecure and afraid of being judged.
My anxiety caused me to lose weight fast, and obviously my personal struggle was noticeable because my dance team coaches soon pulled me aside during practice and asked if I was okay, and if I needed help.This was the first time someone had ever personally come up to me and offered help (thank-you). Although, I don’t remember the exact conversation, I remember I was in total shock. Mad at first because again I thought I was fine, and then extremely emotional at the fact my appearance and size was affecting more than just me personally, but my team as a whole, and the image I gave was not what the coaches wanted.
Again, my whole life had revolved around dance, and searching for perfection in my body. After all the obsessing over perfection in high school for dance; which to me meant being thin, lean, tan year around, having platinum blonde hair, clear skin, etc., I was then told I was not big enough or did not look strong enough to blend in with the other girls on the team. This is when it clicked. No matter what size I was, or how I tried to make myself look, I was never going to match the “ideal” look. Being judged externally is a no win situation, and I learned there is no way in pleasing everyone because no one is perfect (even those Victoria Secret models-- I guarantee they have something they would want to change about themselves). That is why you have to know who you are on the inside.
Think of it this way: when we are looking at ourselves in the mirror it is so easy to fixate on one element of our bodies. It is so easy to focus on something we perceive as a flaw. But remember, God creates masterpieces. And God created you.
God also created our gorgeous world. One of the 7 natural wonders of the world is the Grand Canyon. When you step up to the edge of the Grand Canyon and gaze in awe at the vast beauty of it, you see it as a whole magnificent wonder of creation- the colors, the trees, the immense size. That’s when you’re looking at it as a whole creation… However, if you start to dissect it and look really closely, you might notice the little things like the weeds, crooked paths, jagged rocks, or maybe there is even a snake. But, the Grand Canyon is still one of the seven natural wonders of the world and God created it.
It’s the same with our bodies. When people meet us they see the whole person and don’t fixate on tiny areas. We are are our hardest critic. But I promise, You, just like the Grand Canyon, are an entire being full of wonder!
It may have taken some time, numerous years to be exact, and many encouraging people to knock me into my senses and keep me accountable, but finally around this time last year I took on the Whole 30 challenge in hopes to reset my way of thinking towards food. It was not until I started eating healthier (whole foods), working out regularly, listening to my body, and finding a balance that I truly started to feel better internally and externally. Oh, and I can’t forget how my restored faith in God lead me to truly find and love myself. Once I realized this and fell in love with myself again I started finding joy in other things: running, volunteering, mentoring, yoga, and dance all over again.
I am so proud of myself and the little victories I have made + the healthy progress I can continue to make. I now have SO much energy, I rarely get sick, I have re-found my happy (goofy) self, I am a mentor for many young teenage girls, I have the mentality that exercise should be a celebration for all your body can do not a punishment or a chore, I don’t remember the last time I counted calories or stepped on a scale, I am confident, and most importantly, I enjoy food and am literally always thinking about what I am going to eat next!
I am writing this to reach out to girls who were like me, and to the girls like the one at my gym today, and to all the girls that continue to struggle to see how beautiful they actually are and not just because of the way they look on the outside
If you are someone who feels the need for validation. If that “click” of mindset has not happened for you yet. If you need someone other than yourself to convince yourself you are beautiful, then HIIIII I will be that person because everyone deserves to feel beautiful no matter what they think they look like on the outside. If I have learned anything it is: Everyone is so uniquely crafted and is so beautiful in their own way, and everyone has different talents, different gifts, different offerings, and niches that make them who they are. Know your worth and gosh dang it love yourself. Do not let what you think others think of you change who you are or want to become because, at the end of the day, it's not about them, it's about you believing you ARE worthy and seen for who you really are. You are You and that is the greatest thing you can offer to this earth.
Flawed and (still) worthy,
Cami <3
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After reading this:
To be beautiful does not mean being a size 00. Beautiful does not mean looking like a Victoria Secret Model. Being thin or being called “hot” does not define you as a person-- in fact if “hot” is the only word someone can come up with to describe your worth, then wave them GOOD BYEE! Beauty is SO much more-- it’s being smart, it’s being a kind human, it’s being confident, it’s being selfless and inspiring, and it’s having a personality and soul that is truly captivating to all those around you. As cliche as this sounds: Beauty is something that comes from within and it radiates outwards-- something my mom would tell me daily growing up, but I was too blinded by comparison that I just shoved it away. Learn from my mistakes, and start loving yourself now, and while you're at it... try to help others find confidence in their unique beauty! It never hurts to give a simple compliment! (: